Memories, Nonfiction, Reflection, Short Fiction

No, I’m Not Okay…

No, I’m not okay…

On the surface, it might seem that way and my mouth might say that I am, but the truth is I feel pretty damn raw on the inside. I say I’m fine and I’m doing pretty good because I’m used to people asking the question but not really listening to the answer – people who can’t see past the fake smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.

No, I’m not okay…

because I’ve spent the last five years or more surviving in a marriage that was unhealthy on the best of days and toxic and emotionally abusive on the worst – a marriage where I fought every day to retain my sense of self as my accomplishments were dismissed, my feelings were regarded as messy and inconvenient, and my self-esteem and peace of mind were extracted piece by piece.

No, I’m not okay…

On my lowest days, I wonder if I’ll ever be okay again. I wonder if my peace will weather daily storms or my self-esteem survive a thoughtless, but well-meaning comment. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to love again and be treated like a partner, instead of an anchor – a beloved spouse instead of just someone’s “ol’ lady”.

No, I’m not okay…

but I want to be. I dream of the day I can answer with a genuine smile that reaches my eyes and a light heart that doesn’t flinch when asked that question. But it’s not today. Or tomorrow. And maybe not the next couple hundred tomorrows. I can only take things day by day because there was a time not too long ago where the future was only filled with more of the same darkness.

No, I’m not okay…

but unlike before, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that’s what I try to focus on when things feel too difficult these days. I may not be okay right now, but I truly believe I will be…one day.

3 thoughts on “No, I’m Not Okay…”

  1. You will be OK. It will take time and distance from all this but one day you will be happy again, and love again, and find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. It’s hard now but it will get easier. Hold on to that and there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to get through the tunnel. Love you and I will help you all I can.

    Liked by 1 person

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